What Do You Need to Escape Domestic Violence?

What Do You Need to Escape Domestic Violence?

When we hear about someone in an abusive relationship, the first question many people ask is, “Why don’t they just leave?”

But leaving an abusive relationship is not a simple decision. For many victims, it’s not “just leaving.” It’s a terrifying balance of actions and consequences. Behind every delay or hesitation is a web of fear, uncertainty, and survival strategy:

What if no one even believes my partner was abusive?
How will I afford rent, food, childcare, and other expenses on my own?
If I leave, will I lose my friends, my family, my community?
Where would I even go if I left?
If I do go, what will my partner do if they find me?
What if they try to kill me when I leave?
What if they hurt my children to get to me?

What if, what if, what if.

It begs the question, is the chance of a better life worth walking across a field of landmines, where every step could bring even more danger?

In victim services work, instead of asking victims to brave the field alone, we ask how we can build a bridge over it. In other words, instead of asking, “Why do they stay in that relationship?” we ask, “What do they need to leave?” And while every situation is different, there are some common factors that can help a person escape an abusive relationship:

• Support from family members, friends, and neighbors
• Available space at a domestic violence shelter or other safe shelter
• Police, prosecutors, and judges who believe them
• Understanding and support from doctors, psychologists, faith leaders, social service workers, and teachers
• Access to advocates who can help with obtaining protection orders, mental health support, and safe shelter
• Access to money, bank accounts, and/or financial information to support themselves and their family without the abuser’s contributions
• And perhaps most importantly, institutional enforcement that ensures the abuser will leave them alone after they leave, like enforcing protection orders and criminal laws.

If someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you may not be a law enforcement officer that can help enforce their protection order. You may not be a victim advocate that’s trained in providing trauma-informed emotional support. You may not be a medical provider that can treat their injuries.

But you can be someone they can lean on when they’re ready to leave.

A domestic violence survivor once told us, “Never underestimate the power of an acquaintance.” She explained that when she was fleeing an abusive relationship, the abuser knew to look for her at a close friend or family member’s home. But the abuser was less likely to find her staying with a coworker she was loosely acquainted with, and doing so helped her stay safe and eventually leave the relationship.

In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, we encourage everyone to be like that support person. Be the person that holds a go-bag for a friend. Be the family member that keeps copies of their important documents. Be the acquaintance that gives them a safe place to stay while they plan for what’s next.

Because when you fall down, a strong safety net makes all the difference.

For more information on supporting someone experiencing abuse, go to https://nddsvc.org/get-information/supporting-someone-experiencing-abuse

If you or someone you know has experienced domestic or sexual violence, free and confidential help is available 24/7. Visit the North Dakota Domestic & Sexual Violence Coalition (NDDSVC) website to find a domestic and sexual violence advocacy center near you.