Supporting Someone Experiencing Abuse

Note: We recommend checking out How Abuse Impacts Victims in addition to this page to help you understand what your loved one may be going through.

1. Believe them. One of the most common fears victims of domestic and sexual violence face is that no one will believe them if they talk about the abuse. This fear may affect who the victim talks to about the abuse and what they share. Remind your loved one that you believe them and are there for them. Avoid making assumptions or blaming them for the abuse they endured. Tell them you’re concerned for their safety and want to help them.
2. Listen without judgment. Your loved one is likely feeling many different emotions. It’s important to support them in expressing any feelings they have.
3. Remain calm. How you react to your loved one telling you about the abuse will affect further reactions and responses from them. Remember that they are coming to you for support, and the situation is not about you. Listening to them and remaining calm lets them know you’re there for them. Responding with extreme anger, despair, disgust, or pity can make your loved one feel worse. It can be helpful to find someone else that is not the victim to talk about any emotions you may be experiencing.
4. Remind them that the abuse is not their fault. Victims often blame themselves for the abuse, especially if they’re in a relationship with or know the abuser personally. Remind your loved one that they are not to blame. The only person at fault for the abuse is the abuser.
5. Encourage your loved one to talk to a professional about the abuse. You’re a strong supporter, but you might not feel prepared to provide all the support that your loved one may need. Provide the contact information for the nearest domestic violence/sexual assault advocacy center. Advocacy centers are staffed with professionals who work with victims of domestic and sexual violence. These professionals can help your loved one find safe shelter, legal support, mental health support, and more. All services provided by DV/SA advocacy centers are free and confidential.
6. Respect their decisions. Understand that survivors of abuse often have complex feelings and relationships with the person who hurt them. If they are in a relationship with the abuser, they may not be ready or able to leave the abusive relationship. Let them choose who they talk to about the abuse and where they get support. It’s their experience to navigate, not yours.
7. Be there for them. This may look like going with your loved one to medical appointments, listening to them when they want to talk, or helping them contact professional help. Remember that healing from abuse doesn’t happen within a specific time frame. Be there for your loved one throughout the entire healing process, however long that may be.
8. Give your loved one the opportunity to share their experience with you, but avoid pressing for information. They may not feel comfortable sharing certain details of the abuse, and it’s important to respect their privacy and boundaries.
9. Only touch them if you’ve received permission first. Physical contact without permission can cause anxiety or flashbacks.
10. Don’t attempt to confront the abuser or tell your loved one you are going to “get revenge.” Doing or saying things like this can cause your loved one additional stress. It could also put you or your loved one in danger.

We mention “supporting survivors” a lot, but what does that actually look like? How do you support someone who has shared their story with you?

Everyone is different, so everyone’s emotions, reactions, and needs after experiencing abuse will be different. There is no one size fits all response for supporting a loved one after they’ve experienced abuse, but a good mantra to follow is Listen, Believe, Support. Listen to what your loved one has to say. Believe them when they tell you what happened to them. And show your support by asking them how you can help.

If you don’t know what to say, here are a few good phrases to start with:

• “I believe you, and I’m sorry this happened to you.”
• “Thank you for trusting me. I know it must be hard to talk about this.”
• “You didn’t do anything wrong. How can I support you?”
• “I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.”
• “Are you considering making a report? If so, would you like me to go with you?”
• “I know a place you can call that will help you navigate your options and stay safe.” Provide the phone number for the nearest domestic violence/sexual assault advocacy center.

Remember to respect your loved one’s privacy and boundaries and let them guide how they move forward.

If someone you care about has been abused, you might feel an array of emotions, such as:

• Guilt that you did not prevent the abuse
• Fear over the realization that you are also vulnerable
• A strong desire for revenge
• A desire to “fix it” and move on
• Victim blaming, or rationalizing that the abuse “wasn’t that bad”, “wasn’t really rape”, or was the victim’s fault
• Impatience at your loved one’s long healing process
• Frustrations with how your loved one is coping with the violence
• Feeling like you can’t trust your loved one’s decisions going forward, like when they start new relationships or make parenting decisions

These feelings are common and can be hard to deal with on your own. Reaching out to a professional to talk about your own response to the abuse can help. Remember to practice good self care, and keep these things in mind:

• It’s okay to set boundaries and limitations with your loved one in order to care for yourself, especially when you’re experiencing high levels of stress.
• Don’t blame yourself. The only people at fault for abuse are the abusers!